How the f*ck does someone steal the French Crown Jewels from THE LOUVRE?
Actually, I’ll tell you how. They arrive in a vehicle with a mounted basket lift, they climb onto the second floor balcony, they cut open a window, and they take whatever they please. At 9:30 in the bright light of morning.
WHAT?
You know, back in January 2024, a group of climate activists threw cans of soup all over the Mona Lisa (or rather, the glass casing protecting the Mona Lisa from soup-throwing climate loonies), and I told Charly Arnolt on her show that this has to be an inside job. Someone from the Louvre had to have let them in.
Because how do you just mosey past security, metal detectors and bag check with a satchel full of soup cans? Most tourist attractions won’t even let you bring your own water bottle (there are overpriced refreshments available for purchase in the gift shop, of course), there’s absolutely no way in the world that the most famous museum in the world is allowing visitors to stroll in with enough soup to feed all of Nick Cannon’s children.
But maybe I was wrong. Maybe security at the Louvre is just completely inept. Because I simply cannot believe that a group of thieves dressed as the construction worker from the Village People parked a crane right in front of the museum, then used loud-ass power tools to yank millions and millions of dollars worth of royal jewelry out of a sealed case at the museum — all during business hours — and no one noticed.
My own house is more secure than that. (And I don’t own any diamond-studded crowns or other priceless historical heirlooms, so don’t get any ideas.)
All of that to say I’ve narrowed this “heist” down to three possibilities:
- The Louvre security team is pure garbage.
- Someone high up at the Louvre is conspiring with black market jewelry dealers.
- This is all an elaborate publicity stunt to promote Ocean’s 14.
I guess we’ll find out.
Y’all ready for some Nightcaps? Let’s roll.
Miss Indiana Pays Tribute To Caitlin Clark
What immediately comes to mind when you think of Indiana?
Race cars? Basketball? Corn? Dan Dakich?
Side note: There’s an amusement park in Monticello called Indiana Beach. We used to visit Lake Shafer when I was a kid, and frankly, this was the most exciting thing the state had going on at the time. I still remember the commercial, where a talking crow mascot would always end with the tagline, “There is more than corn in Indiana!”
The irony, of course, is that a couple of carnival rides next to a small man-made lake are hardly indicative of there being much more than corn in Indiana.
I am way off track.
The Miss USA pageant is happening this week, and there’s a “costume” event, where contestants are encouraged to wear a costume that represents something exemplary about their respective states.
No, Miss Indiana — Sydney Shrewsbury — did not dress as the crow mascot from Indiana Beach (although that would have been incredible). Instead, she dressed as the next best thing: Caitlin Clark.
That sparkly basketball is actually really cool, and I want one for my office. Can someone make this happen?
Anyway, I’d like to wish Sydney the best of luck in the pageant this week. Although I’m a Tennessean now, I’m Hoosier born and raised. And I’ll be rooting for my fellow corn-fed sister.
Kristen Bell, Baby, What Are You Doing?
There’s a long-standing theory about couples posting about birthdays and anniversaries on social media: the longer the caption, the more toxic the relationship.
For example, if you write a big long paragraph to your partner about how “there have been ups and downs,” I already know one of you cheated. Generally speaking, people in healthy relationships with good communication don’t need to write essays to each other for public consumption.
Now, I’m sure there are exceptions, so don’t get all butt-hurt in my email inbox if you just wrote a heartfelt soliloquy to your significant other on Instagram and everything really is all rainbows and sunshine. In that case, I congratulate you.
Besides, absolutely nothing you’ve ever written to your spouse could ever be as jaw-droppingly cringey as what Kristen Bell wrote about Dax Shepard.
“Happy 12th wedding anniversary to the man who once said to me: ‘I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I’m heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.’”
My sister in Christ. Blink twice if you need help.
Now, I don’t claim to have perfect marriage, per se, but I can say with confidence that my husband has never brought up the topic of murdering me. Not one single time. And if he did, I probably wouldn’t have laughed — and I certainly wouldn’t post it on Instagram for my 15.8 million followers to see.
Kristen has gotten a lot of backlash for this post, especially since she threw it out there during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
To be CRYSTAL CLEAR: I’m not accusing Kristen’s husband of anything. She probably just thought this caption was funny and did not consider the possibility that it could be interpreted any other way. But sheesh, girl, this is why you have a PR team.
As for your sappy Instagram captions, I recommend scrapping them altogether and going with something incredibly stupid but harmless.
For example, my husband’s birthday is June 9. So, every year to celebrate, I post a photo of us with the caption: “6/9. Nice.”
Sure, some people roll their eyes and insult me under their breath as they scroll past my wildly overused sex joke. But most people laugh. And that’s showbiz, baby.
(If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit thehotline.org for confidential support 24/7.)
Livvy Dunne Isn’t Moving to Europe
Because Paul Skenes is too tall to live there.
This reminds me of that GEICO commercial from 2005.
“This is not awesome!”
Harvey D. Feels My Pain
Harvey Writes: Amber, Hope all is well with you and yours. The puppy is awesome!
Welcome to the dimension that is known as the lost decades. Ask Joe what it is about. Being Bungles fans, we have endured 20+/- years (90s-20teens) of suffering. The struggle is real. You watch games and know in the first series how this will end. You know you have better things to do, but you dont, or won’t do them. You will watch that ever-evolving train wreck of a team for 4 quarters. It’s a sickness (like capri pants). I really believe that it should be labeled a disability by the Feds!
You, I and every other fan out there have picked a hill to die on. Some are speedbumps, some are Everest.
Amber:
I promised you last week that I would no longer complain about the Miami Dolphins, and I intend to keep that promise.
But I will say that — despite my girlish good looks — I am in my mid-30s and, therefore, am fully familiar with the “lost decades” and 20+ years of suffering. I have been a Dolphins fan since birth (thanks dad) and have watched us cycle through 26 starting quarterbacks since Dan Marino.
I also haven’t seen us win a playoff game in 25 years. 25 YEARS, HARVEY. The “Bungles” went to a Super Bowl three years ago.
So — not that this is anything to be proud of — but if we’re awarding a prize for misery here, I’m accepting that trophy.
Gene In The Rock Gives Rocky His Proper Due
Gene Writes: With all due respect to Peter, I nominate Rocky for “America’s Dog.” That pic is adorable.
Amber:
First of all, my very biased opinion is that Gene is right. My Rocky is the most handsome and sweetest dog in existence. Peter doesn’t hold a candle.
Speaking of Peter, though, how do we all feel about Kirk Herbstreit playing fetch with Peter in the hallway at a hotel?
Y’all know I am the dog lover of all dog lovers. But even I had to raise some eyebrows at this video. This is as bad as someone letting their toddlers run up and down the hallways.
My guy, you are in a hotel where people are trying to rest. Go outside and throw the ball.
People who act like their dogs are above the law are the people who ruin dog-friendly spaces for the rest of us. The reason I can’t take my dog to most beaches is because irresponsible dog owners don’t clean up after their own pups. The reason I can’t take him to some parks is because entitled dog owners think they don’t have to follow leash law. And the reason I can’t take him to some hotels is because Kirk freaking Herbstreit uses the hallways as his personal playground.
This is not on Peter. This is on Kirk thinking he’s more special than everyone else.
Meet Dean’s Pugs
Dean Writes: I have been meaning to write you after you had posted on NightCaps a while back that you were thinking of going to Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the future on your summer vacation.
My wife Brenda and I went there in August 2023 to take the boat cruise to see the Pictured Rocks along with biking Mackinac Island and doing winery tours near Traverse City. We did see from the cruise boat that there was a campground along the lakeshore, and people were kayaking and canoeing as our cruise boat passed them.
If you go, I suggest that you do so in July or August as that is when Lake Superior is at its warmest for the year for kayaking, canoeing, and swimming (at least close to shore in the shallow water) for humans and dogs. Otherwise, it is by far the coldest of the Great Lakes.
It looks like two of the three campgrounds at the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore do allow dogs.
Speaking of dogs, today [Oct. 15] is National Pug Day!
Brenda and I have two pugs, Thor and Daisy. We adopted them as a bonded pair from a pug rescue 4 ½ years ago, when both pugs were middle-aged. Today, Thor is 14 years old, and Daisy is 13 years old. We call Thor “Thunder Pug” or “Pug of Thunder” as he is the loud vocal dog of the pair. However, due to him being born with dwarfism, he has short legs. He also has arthritic hips, so that when we go for walks, Thor gets carried by me for most of the walk. When he does walk, when he is tired and done walking, he has a couple of signals to let me know he wants to be picked up. It is a good thing he is pretty quick and efficient for body waste elimination. Daisy still walks a pretty good distance with Brenda and will sprint a short distance after a vehicle when a FedEx, UPS or Amazon delivery truck goes by. In the first photos below, Thor has the orange harness and Daisy the pink harness.
Amber:
God bless those sweet senior babies.
I saw a couple of pugs at the dog park last week. They were on the “big dog” side despite being tiny. They had big, scary-looking spike collars on. Their owners told me that they don’t like playing with little dogs, but one time, a big dog at the park pinned one to the ground and scared him half to death. So now they just wear scary collars to prevent bullying.
I love that.
Anyway, yes, I do want to go to Pictured Rocks! We went to the Apostle Islands on Lake Superior this summer (read my trail review if you haven’t already!), and it was so much fun.
I saw that dogs aren’t allowed on most of the trails at Pictured Rocks, though, which gives me pause. Maybe — if I can find a good doggy daycare nearby — we’ll make it work. But I don’t like to exclude my furry child.
Should We Be Concerned About Brad S?
Brad Writes: There is a technical name for those hairy thongs: Merkin
How do I know this? I haven’t a clue.
Amber:
…
Take Us Home, Jessica W.
Your Kim Kardashian article made me laugh, and it reminded me of this perfect video before elections last year from Ricky Gervais. Clearly, celebrities are experts on everything.
MORE: Kim Kardashian Has No Idea What Milk Costs — Proving Why Celebs Shouldn’t Lecture Us About Anything
Stuff I Liked
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com
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