A Man’s Foolproof Guide To Not Screwing Up Valentine’s Day

I have a confession to make: I don’t really do Valentine’s Day.

Now, I’m not one of those curmudgeons who pooh-poohs cutesy romance or has some sort of moral objection to so-called “Hallmark holidays.” My reasons for not celebrating Valentine’s Day with my husband are a little more logistical.

For starters, my birthday is January 31, and our wedding anniversary is February 3. So, doing gifts, cards, flowers and a fancy dinner again on February 14 seems a little excessive. Also, as someone who spent a long time working in the restaurant industry, I’d rather army crawl naked down my gravel driveway than see the inside of a steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Those who get it, get it.

But just because we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day in our house doesn’t mean you, dear gentlemen, are off the hook in yours.

Fortunately for you, I’m here to help.

Your Foolproof Guide To Not Screwing Up Valentine’s Day

You know that saying, “It’s the thought that counts”? I believe that’s especially true for Valentine’s Day. 

Most reasonable women are not expecting their boyfriends and husbands to shower them with diamonds and Hermès bags less than two months after Christmas (although, if you have the budget for that, be my guest. I’m speaking for the commoners among us).

What she does want on Valentine’s Day is a little bit of effort — an acknowledgment that you adore her and appreciate what she brings to the table.

So let’s get started.

1. Buy The Flowers

This is the easiest thing in the world, fellas, and it will get you brownie points every time. Every woman in the world loves receiving flowers, and the ones who don’t are lying. In fact, I’d argue you should be randomly bringing home flowers every once in a while just to make her day. Flowers shouldn’t only be reserved for a holiday or when you’re in the doghouse.

Go to a florist and pick out a custom arrangement or just grab a pre-made bouquet at your favorite local grocery store. No need to overthink it.

Flowers are a Valentine’s Day non-negotiable.

2. Make A Dinner Reservation …NOW

As I’m writing this, we have just over two weeks until Valentine’s Day. The books fill up fast on that night, and the fact that it falls on a Saturday this year means the restaurants will be even busier than usual.

So, if you’re planning on dining out on this day of love, and you haven’t made a reservation yet, you’d better get on it.

Seriously. Pause this column and pick up the phone. I’ll be here when you get back.

If you, like me, have no interest in going to a restaurant for Valentine’s Day, a home-cooked candle-lit dinner is a great option, too. Just stick with your strengths here. Don’t attempt a Beef Wellington for the first time in your life and end up having to resort to Taco Bell takeout when you fail.

Unless, of course, a Crunchwrap Supreme is the way to your lady’s heart. I respect the hell out of that.

Now, Let’s Talk Gifts

If you feel so inclined to give your wife or girlfriend a gift for Valentine’s Day (and you’re not one of the diamonds and Hermès bag guys), here are a few suggestions that let her know you’re paying attention and put some thought into this.

First, though, the ground rules.

Every time I do these Womansplaining gift guides, I always feel a responsibility to remind you of what not to do.

• Unless she very specifically asks for it, don’t gift her anything that requires her to do work (Or as reader Bruce put it last year, “Don’t buy her anything she has to plug in”). For example, y’all might need a new vacuum cleaner, but that’s not something you buy her for Valentine’s Day.
• Same thing goes for gym memberships or exercise equipment/gear. Gift these things only if she has explicitly said she wants them.
• Sexy lingerie is a gift for you, not for her (See my guide for purchasing lingerie HERE).
• Don’t be shy. If you’re really not sure whether she’ll like something you picked out, ask a sister or one of her female friends. Most women will be more than happy to help.

And now that we have that cleared up, we’re on to the gift ideas.

Give Her A Break

I always suggest this particular genre of gift for Mother’s Day, but I think pampering is perfect for Valentine’s Day, too. Something that says, I see the hard work you’re putting in, and you deserve a break.

• Professional House Cleaning
• Massage (Couples massages are great, too!)
• Scalp Facial
• Car Detailing
• Mani-Pedi

Little Luxuries She Might Not Buy For Herself

Think, specifically, upgrades to things she already has.

• Fancy Candle
• Set of Nice Wine Glasses or Coffee Mugs
• Elevated Pajamas (Yes, that’s a thing. Try Eberjay, Cozy Earth, Lunya or Lake)
• Plush House Slippers
• Spa-Style Bathrobe
• Cozy Weighted Blanket
• A Nodpod
• Luxury Sheets: This is something you’ll use every single night. Spend the money and get good sheets. And February 14 is a perfect night to break them in.

Thoughtful & Personal

• Paint-by-Number: If your girl is the crafty type, there are websites where you can upload a photo, and they will send you a custom paint-by-number kit of that photo. For a Valentine’s Day gift, it’s a cool idea to use a wedding picture or just a picture of you two that she loves. Bonus points if you get two of them and plan your own boozy paint night at home.
• Custom Pet Portrait: This one’s for the dog- or cat-obsessed woman in your life. Canelo & Co was kind enough to send me this one of my rescue German Shepherd, Rocky, and I audibly gasped when I opened it. It’s so damn precious. They also make custom pajamas with your pet’s face. Ridiculous? Maybe. But she’ll love them.

How cute is this?

(Canelo & Co)

• A “Treat Yourself” Gift Card: A medspa, a favorite clothing boutique, a bookstore — somewhere she loves.
• Subscription Box: Does she enjoy wine? Books? Gardening? Tea and coffee? Arts & crafts? There’s a subscription box for everything these days. And it’s the gift that keeps on giving. She gets to open something new every month!

Experience-Based Gifts

If your wife or girlfriend prefers experiences to material things, this one’s for you. But remember, an experience gift is only romantic if you’ve already done the planning part. So, make sure childcare and other logistics are already handled.

• Tickets to a Comedy Show, Concert or Play
• Weekend Getaway or Staycation (with the hotel already booked)
• Class She’s Mentioned Wanting to Try: Pilates, cooking, pottery, etc. (A friend of mine booked a mixology class for him and his wife as a date night, and it was a huge hit)
• Adventure Challenge Book or State Bucket Lists (Remember if you buy these, you’ll be expected to be an enthusiastic participant in said adventures)

I promise you this is unnecessary.

(Getty Images)

At the end of the day, the best Valentine’s Day gift isn’t about how much you spend. It’s about showing her that you see her, you love her, and you’re grateful she’s in your life.

Do that, and you won’t screw this up.

I’ve now given you two weeks’ notice. So, if you still end up panic-buying a CVS teddy bear on February 14, please tell your wife I tried.

Womansplaining is a column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships.

📩 Email: amber.harding@outkick.com 
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